On My Knees

After months of unrest, I finally found peace. The moment He ordered me out of the bed an onto my knees I felt an overwhelming sense of calm, happiness, love...peace! Daddy and I had been going at each other for months about one thing or another. Although we had spent time with each other before that night, I would always revert back to being an overly bratty little girl shortly after my visit. Daddy had tried using sex and orgasm control as a punishment. He had even went so far as shutting me out completely. Not talking to me, not responding to me, wall completely up and I was on the other side. I can't even began to express how much that hurt. As not only a submissive, but a baby girl complete isolation from your Daddy Dom is as about as close to death as I will probably get. There were times where I wanted to die. There were times where I wanted to inflict physical pain upon myself to relieve the emotional pain I felt. I cried out for help, but nobody could help other than my Daddy. But, I had caused this upon myself, so I had to fix it myself.

Rewind back to October. I had gotten close to an associate, and I decided that I wanted to give him a shot at being more than just an associate, more than a friend. After all Daddy and I are poly so in essence I should be able to do so, with Daddy's permission. So, I did just that. I went and I sought Daddy's permission to feel this guy out, go out with him, possibly have sex with him...you know see where this could lead. Daddy said yes, but Daddy also expressed His fear that I would abandon Him. This in turn evoked fear in me because losing my Daddy would be earth shattering. So, I started this whole fight with Daddy to try to get Him to understand that He would always be number one. And we did just that for weeks, fought. I became this unbearable brat who got mad and threw a tantrum about EVERYTHING. I wanted ALL of His attention, and because we were fighting Daddy withdrew Himself more and more, until finally He just stopped talking, stopped responding. That caused me to throw the ultimate tantrum until I realized that the tantrums were the problem. I had completely forgot my submission to Him. I had forgotten how I was supposed to behave. I had forgotten to humble myself. I had forgotten that I was supposed to be serving Him. I had forgotten that even though I am a submissive and a baby girl, I am supposed to be strong and supportive. 

Fast forward to our last visit. I had gotten Him to talk to me. I had gotten Him to let me back in a little, to let the wall down a little. He missed me and I missed Him. We needed to see each other. When He walked in I didn't expect to be ordered to my knees. In all honesty, He didn't really have to. I had been longing to kneel for Him for the longest. Not that I needed to be punished to kneel for him, the right time just hadn't presented itself lately. I had been longing to see Him exert His dominant side for months. Daddy can be such a...well Daddy, but He doesn't really like to punish me at all. Anyway, He came and got in the bed with me and when I went to cuddle up under Him He said to me "you know I'm not happy with your behavior right?". Then He asked me another question, and before I could answer He ordered me out of the bed and onto my knees. Then He turned off the TV and it was there in the darkness that we both could finally see each other so clearly. It was there that I took in every gaze from His eyes, every touch from His hands, every kiss planted on my body. It was there, on my knees, that I felt free, that I felt owned, that knew that I was His. It was there with the most gentle words and touches that there was the most intense power exchange. It was there that the mental and spiritual connection between us was heightened. It was there on my now numb legs and knees that I had completely surrendered my submission to Him.  

And then I found my Daddy

Here it is...2014, and I'm in this fucked up "relationship" (if that's what you want to call it). I've done everything sexually that this man could ever ask for, and yet it wasn't enough for him. After 2.5 years I had come to terms that I would never be enough for him, and he was no longer worth my time or my effort. So, I decided to take his advice...I decided to go and find someone else, and in that process I found myself.

I never imagined that I could find someone so much like me. I never imagined that I could be so loved and accepted. I never imagined this is what my soul mate would look like.

I was introduced to the BDSM lifestyle in 2008. I was dating a guy who was in the army. He had an ex that was said to do any and everything for him sexually. She was talked about and judged for her actions, and I'll admit that I was amongst the ones who were judging her until I walked in her shoes. It was something about him that allowed me to release all control...something that demanded submission, and I gave it to him willingly. He became my "kryptonite". I craved him and his Dominance. It was such a freeing feeling. I learned from him how to submit, how to allow someone else to be in control of my life. I learned how to let go, and I realize now that this is what I have been craving for so long...an area of my life where for once someone else was in control. I was happy here until his ex decided that she wanted her spot back. So, I left them to be with each other, and I moved on with this void in my life that wouldn't be filled until I met my Daddy.

I found my Daddy by happenstance. I wasn't really looking for him and he just magically appeared in my life. I followed him on twitter at the recommendation of someone else I followed. One day he asked his TL a question and I answered. That lead to him sending me a DM and the rest is history. We weren't even talking about anything BDSM related. I don't even remember how the subject of BDSM came up, but it was revealed to me that he was a Dom and I told him I was a sub and things just progressed.

My Daddy has been everything that I have needed, everything that I have been missing in vanilla relationships since 2009. He has shown me the true definition of love and acceptance. He has allowed me to be me completely, and he cultivates the person that I am supposed to be. He supports me in all facets of my life. He nurtures me, and he's allowing me to heal from the past hurt that I have had to deal with. Sometimes I feel that my submission to him is not enough because he does so much for me. I just want to give more, do more, serve more. But, his answer is always "You're perfect". Even so, I am always working on myself to be a better sub for me and a better sub to him.