This morning took the time to read over a few of my old posts about BDSM and my past D/s relationships, and the one thing that stuck out to me is the word FREEDOM. In all of the bondage, discipline, masochism, servitude...submission, I found freedom. It was in BSDM where I was able to get comfortable with my shadow self. The structure of the D/s relationship removed the societal judgment of the things that I enjoy, and the societal norms of what a relationship looks like. In a D/s dynamic YOU make the rules.
These rules can come in the form of a contract (either verbal or written) that all parties involve agree to. Some contracts are very detailed and cover every single thing that the parties can think of. I have seen contracts that are hundreds of pages long covering everything from bedtimes, bathroom times, exercise routines, and meals to safe words, attire, appropriate submissive behavior, and the Dominant's expectations; to very liberal verbal contracts that change as the parties see fit. BDSM contracts aren't legal or binding, but more so serve as a guide for the relationship. It lays out the expectations of all parties up front. It lets you know exactly what you are getting yourself into.
Other rules within the lifestyle come as "house" rules. These are general rules that most people within the lifestyle adhere to for the safety of all parties. These rules also speak of appropriate behavior of both Dominants and submissives either in or out of a relationship. These rules aren't used as restrictions of your freedom, but serve as a safety net for the community and the individuals within it.
But, even with house rules and the rules set forth in a contract there is a VAST amount of freedom. There is the freedom to define your relationship based on your needs, your desires, your terms; not the terms set by a society who doesn't understand you or your needs at all.
My shadow side was freed. My sexual desires were freed. My sexuality was freed. I was able to be me and express myself freely within the protections provided by this community (and believe me there are a LOT of protections). Releasing my submissive side was critical my spiritual awakening. It showed me the spirituality in sex. It also helped me to better understand submission better than any biblical definition. Because submission is cyclical and indeed given by ALL parties involved.
The energy exchanges often provide me with a freedom from whatever it is that I am carrying. My Dominant willingly takes my burdens from me, even when I don't think that they are too much, and I do the same for Him. The energy exchanges also fuel me to do the work that I do. I am most powerful after time spent with my Dom. But, it is of grave importance that I mention here that energy exchange are to be equal. It is not always the Dominant taking energy from the submissive or vice versa (that is vampire-ism).
My D/s relationships have also given me the freedom to explore my sexuality. I no longer had to hide my sexual attraction to women, or my desire to be in a polyamorous relationship. I have been allowed to discover, and to play, and to find who I truly am as a sexual being.
My relationships have also given me the freedom to love and be loved how I need to. I have learned how to release societal monogamous expectations of relationships. I have learned to erase the jealous thoughts and behaviors that often come with being monogamous. I have learned that it is indeed possible to love more than one person, and that neither Polyamory nor Monogamy are superior to the other. My most valuable lesson in this freedom is do not get into a relationship with more people that you can support emotionally, spiritually, physically, and financially! You have to have enough resources to go around, and you have to know how to divide those resources among your partner(s). Not every partner will need an equal amount of everything. This is indeed a test of balance.
I found that in something that seems so restrictive, there is truly the freedom that I had spent the majority of my life searching for. I may have left the chains on my body, but I removed them from my mind, and THAT is the greatest freedom of all.
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