"Hoe" is relative though because I don't subscribe to 3D thinking. But for the sake of this post I'll indulge its use.
No I didn't "lose my virginity" or give a nigga access to my sanctuary in 1994. That didn't happen until 1996. What I gave him access to was something of equal value, my heart. I fell in love with a Creole speaking nigga from the lower 9th Ward of New Orleans back in the 7th grade. I don't even think he completely understood his powers at that age, but he had me hooked from day one. I was so stuck on this nigga that I didn't mind sharing him with other women. Yes, he had a girlfriend from 1997 until 1999 but that bitch could never in her life be me. Yes, at the ripe young age of 12 I realized that I was different, special, unique...and I carried myself as such.
As you can imagine this did make way for making a lot of friends, as I "thought I was all that". But, I didn't too much care about that either. Those who took the time to get to really know me knew that I was very "down to Earth", loving and nurturing. Often my friends were the outcasts, the weird group. Every time I tried to assimilate with the "in crowd" it ended up being drama...which I already had my fair share of being the "side piece" to the star basketball player for our high school. The boys thought I was easy, the girls thought I was a hoe. I was just, ME.
Through out most of college I laid low with my long-term boyfriend. I will say that it was in college that I truly realized just how powerful my yoni is. Any nigga I fucked was hooked. Even after relationships ended they always tried to come back for the sex. My College Sweetheart STILL tries to fuck, and its been over 13 years since we broke up. I also realized my attraction to female energy. I had my first threesome with my female best-friend and my High School Sweetheart my sophomore year of college. Watching her with him...Watching them together...it opened up an entirely different realm of sexuality for me. She and I explored so much together in college. No, I never had sex with her, but we were comfortable enough to have sex with our respective partners around each other. We dated brothers for a while and that was a really fun time. We would share and swap brothers whenever the mood struck.
3D thinking and fear kept me from acting on my new found attraction to women for a very long time. I was sexually open, but I was still operating under the fear of labels and how my family would think about me. See it was ok to be a hoe because my mama told me I needed to use these niggas to get what I want. But, it was NOT ok to be gay. Although my hair stylist and some of my mom's closest male friends were openly so.
I stuck to playing small even when, in 2005, I found a partner who embraced my openness. I could have done or tried anything, but I was fixated on making him my husband; therefore, I had to play the "good girl" role. I did that for 3 years and ended it when I realized that we were never going to be the couple that I needed. He is an amazing person, and a very good friend still, but I needed more than he was able to offer me. I needed to be, ME.
In 2008, I met my first Dominant, and I was introduced to the BDSM lifestyle. I was offered the freedom to be my true sexual self. I was also allow to experience what it was like to truly submit to someone. Although the hurt and trauma I experienced during this relationship took a while to get over, I don't regret it at all. I NEEDED this. I needed to experience what it was like to truly connect with someone on a soul level. I needed to consciously experience energy exchange. This what when I started waking up. I actually started to realize what happened to two people during sexual intercourse and realized that sex was so much more than just orgasms. This was my introduction to the spirituality and sacredness of sex. This was also the release of my shadow self. She had been peaking through here and there throughout college, but she was now finally free to roam.
Setting my shadow self free began my "hoe phase" after my relationship ended. I spent 4 years just being sexually free and not giving a fuck. But I also spent those 4 years searching for that spiritual connection that I had with my first Dom. My 2nd Dom came along in 2010 and it was a completely different experience from my first. I reverted back to that "I need a husband" line of thinking and I had determined that He in fact was my husband. I wasn't as free as I was with my first Dom. I let my ego limit my thinking once again because I felt like I had to be a certain way in order to get him to marry me and the he could not know about this wild sexual being that was inside of me. What's absolutely hilarious about this is he is now one of my closest friends and he completely embraces that wild sexual spirit that I possess. He encourages me and I can talk to him about any and everything. He has never judged me about anything, and I am truly grateful to have him in my life.
While my 2nd Dom is an amazing ass person and completely accepting of me, we never had a soul connection. I have dated and fucked other people and came back to him and I realized that we just don't have that type connection and I'm ok with that. Everyone on your journey is not meant to be the ONE or close to the ONE. It took me a while to figure that out. Before I burned them all, I could go back and look at old journals and prayers and see when I was praying to God for this man to be the ONE and for that man to be the ONE, but I was never doing the work that I needed to do for the ONE to come along. I was just out here hopelessly desperate for a husband and a family. And then came devastation.
I've never cared about being the side chick, the other chick, the fuck buddy, or any of those things. All I've ever asked from a partner is to be honest and up front with me so that I am allowed to make decisions for myself as to what I'm willing to deal with. Well, along came a dishonest person who was so afraid of losing me and losing the other woman that he lost us both. I could see that his relationship with her was not going to work out, but I never said anything to him because 1) I didn't want him to think I was saying it just to be with him and 2) I didn't know how to tell him I was gifted. So, I made the common mistake of thinking that I could love him enough to see what a good woman I was. I gave him all of my heart. I poured so much motherly, nurturing love into that man and he crushed me. At the end of our relationship I had a mental and spiritual breakdown. I suffered from anxiety, depression, and PTSD because of the trauma I experienced from dealing with him.
Once I got over being annihilated, and put my poor heart back together I decided to step back into BDSM. I no longer wanted to deal with someone on the vanilla level because I felt like they could't handle me and they couldn't understand me. At least in BDSM I would have a Dominant to protect me and protect my heart. I could submit and connect on a soul level. I had once again given up on this idea of marriage and a husband. I needed more...I needed deeper, and BDSM was where I believed that I could find that. So, I went out and found a new Dominant and this time the most beautiful thing in my life occurred...my transformation.
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